Why is it that your child can be at your very last nerve... and then as you ship them off to G & G's for a slumber party, as you are pulling out of the driveway... you look in your rearview mirror and your heart feels like it's going to break in a million pieces because you already miss them so much?
Emma has been driving me a little bit loco as of late, but yet, as I dropped her off for her slumber party, I missed her like crazy when I wasn't even out of the driveway.
On my way home from dropping her off today, something came to mind. I started thinking about how I react when I have been away from her all day and see her for the first time. Of course I am excited to see her... but as she has become older, it seems like I show my excitement to see her... less. I'm not sure why, but as I was driving away today, I felt like I take our time together forgranted a lot. Because I really think I do. I spend half of the time telling her to do this or that... and the other time is spent just wishing it was bedtime. (As I'm typing this, I really sound like a pretty sucky mother, right?.... I'm really not.... )
I guess the thing is... is that when she was little... teeny tiny little... anytime I would walk into a room and she saw me... she would get this ginormous grin on her face and gave me this feeling in my heart that I was THE most important person in her life all day long. That hasn't changed with her. She still gives me that ginormous grin at the end of the day... but it seems that somewhere along the way... I started to take it forgranted. I'm not sure when.... but when I enter our home, it just isn't the way that it use to be when I see her, and I'm sad about that. Because I want it to be. I ALWAYS want her to know that she is THE most important little person in my life and will always be. That she is what keeps me going somedays. She is what keeps me from completely losing my shit.
I don't know, I guess I'm just writing all of this because I feel like I yell too much lately. I feel like I'm nit picky about the stupidest things that don't even matter. That even though on one hand I get so incredibly pissed off at people for making their kids grow up so damn fast... that as I sit here.. I realize that I'm doing the same thing. I realize that when she jumps in puddles and her brand new white shoes turn a mucky brown, I am irritated. When she drops her milk on the floor, even though it was an accident, I give her the look of... "you so didn't just do that." and sometimes almost a glare. And she apologizes to ME and she gives me this look like I'm so sorry that I disappointed you. Seriously. It should NEVER be like that. EVER.
I guess the thing is, is that I want her outlook on life. I do. I want to always remember that this precious 3 year old little girl... is just that. She is simply amazing. Her wisdom is beyond measure. And sometimes, my expectations of her... are that of what should probably be a 16 year old.
I want to let her be little.
I don't want her to grow up so fast.
I don't want to push her to grow up so fast.
My challenge... to myself, is... patience and understanding. I so desperately need that with her right now... and with all things in life. That what is happening in any moment, is for a reason.... and as cliche as it sounds... I need to not sweat the small stuff.
When she jumps in the puddles with her brand new white shoes and they get all mucky, I want to say... WHO CARES... because really, who does? Why does it matter? Did she have a smile on her face when she did it? Yes? Then let her. I'm not talking about taking away all rules and discipline. I'm talking about in the very small things in life... that don't even seem to matter... but that can bring a ginormous smile to my 3 year old's face... let her do it. Because in that... she makes ME smile and as fast as this life does go... all of this will be such distant memories.
Tomorrow we shall dance in the rain.
We shall jump in mucky muddle puddles.
Why?
For no other reason except for we can, and simply put.. it will bring a ginormous smile to our faces! And somedays, thats all is needed to make it through the day.
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