five months.

I hate that I miss you so much.
I hate that when I think about you sometimes I cry so hard I can't breathe.
5 months.
As I count the days, the months since you have gone on... died, sometimes I start thinking that I'm counting down instead of up. Like if I count backwards, that means that's really the time until I can see you again? So many irritational thoughts that don't make a bit of sense.
I have so many good days, SO many and I know that you can see that I do. But deep down inside? I still just want to crawl in a hole and pretend like none of this is happening.
Sometimes, I want to be angry at you. I want to yell at you for leaving. But just about the time that I'm going to, I just break down because you deserve this. You do. You deserve to be in heaven where you don't have to hurt anymore. Where you don't have to worry anymore. Where you can just be free.... and I wanted that for you so much. I WANT that for you so much. I just wish that there was a way that you could be free here instead. I feel so selfish.
I hate that I have to sometimes close my eyes so frickin' tight just to see an image of your beautiful face! I HATE that!
There are so many things that I hate now that you are gone, but sometimes it all just feels like a power struggle because all I really want... is you back here. Just one more time.
I just want one moment to hear your laugh.
To hear your voice.
To feel your hugs.
I just want one moment.

Love you.